Let's take a long, hard look at ourselves

Adolescent white noise, the OC syndrome; whatever you want to call it, here's the first batch of words that blight the vocabulary of some or most of us under the age of 30. In what could well become a regular feature, the intention is to expose those words that should affront our sense of imagination, invention, originality, clarity, brevity and, in some cases, outright decency, in the domain of speech and articulation. Of course, it wouldn't be as interesting or as potentially offensive if I didn't postulate some completely unscientific theories pertaining to the reason(s) for their occurrence and frequency. N.B. The inclusion of particular words on this list in no way exculpates the author.

• Like - Runaway winner as the most heinously over/misused word in common parlance amongst young people. Get someone between the age of 12 and 30 to report or explain anything to you and there is little chance of them making the arduous journey to the end of a sentence without saying like. I once counted seven likes in a sentence when particularly riled by a like addict who was regaling a friend with details of a past event at work. Not only is it boring to listen to, but it sounds the death knell for plenty of other perfectly good, and moreover, different words. 'He was like, "Did I ask for that?"'  instead of 'He said, "Did I ask for that?"' Most of the time it's just completely unnecessary: 'it was, like, so shit' instead of 'it was so shit'. Using 'like' in this way is either simply an import from US culture (after all, using like often whilst impersonating an American only adds to the authenticity of the impression) or has been adopted partly because of two trends amongst 'the youth', the first of which is to have no enthusiasm for anything, i.e. I'm not enthusiastic about anything, so I certainly wasn't interested enough in whatever it is I'm telling you about to be certain about what it was that was said or happened. I can, however, offer an approximation of what might have happened and I'll indicate that to you by saying like every other word. The second trend is to aim to appear stupid to your peers i.e. I like, don't know many, like, words, cuz, I like, missed school 'n' stuff and I think books are, like, boring. Good for you, but turn up to a job interview talking like that and you can show off your defective vocabulary down at the job centre. e.g. 'I was, like, totally, like, gutted and was like, "what's, like, the matter with you?"' Correct usage: I like marmite and when I eat it, I feel like making sweet, sweet love .

• Random - Let's clear something up; if something is weird or strange it does not follow on as a matter of logic that it is also random. These words aren't technically interchangeable, they are not synonyms. Secondly, if someone describes their sense of humour as random, thinking it makes them sound more interesting, they're sadly mistaken. It usually means that no-one else finds them funny and that, though they may well be 'quirky', they are so in a way which often alienates them from everybody else. e.g. 'God, sometimes I'm so random; I'm a bit zany aren't I?!' Correct usage: 'Oh, by the way Will, did I text you about the microscopic phenomena considered objectively random according to several standard interpretations of quantum mechanics?'

• Bless 'em (including variants e.g 'BLESS!' "Awww bless him!" etc.) - Undoubtedly the prize winner for most offensively banal expression in this list. Used in myriad circumstances and usually uttered in a tone of voice where the person the 'blessing' is intended for must surely expect a condescending pat on the head as an accompaniment. If someone's done something sweet, they probably don't want to be embarrassed and patronised by someone exclaiming 'AWWW bless YER! If someone's done something idiotic, they'd probably rather someone else didn't hide behind a charade of sympathy that actually sounds more like gentle mocking. And if someone's been genuinely and hurtfully unfortunate, they deserve more than a 'bless' in response to the story of their troubles. The insight I was recently granted by an occasional bless user, was that bless them/him/her is used sometimes when someone else has finished speaking and there doesn't seem to be anything to say in response - the prosecution rests. e.g. A: 'I proposed to her over dinner in Paris and she said "yes". B: 'Awwww bless!' Correct usage: Never - it's always annoying, both after a sneeze and when superstitious people do it.

• Late Doors - Early doors is bad enough; this extrapolation is unacceptable. e.g. 'I probably won't make it down there 'till late doors.' Correct usage: Never.

• Lush - A southerner's favourite. Dense Amazonian jungle is lush, as is the decor in the lobby at the Ritz. Your cold bottle of water, although refreshing, is not. e.g. 'You should have been at that facking club mate, I saw this facking lush bird.' Correct usage: See above.

• Delish' - Good grief. e.g. 'Oh, these pancakes are absolutely delish'. Correct usage: Never.

More in the vitriolic pipeline.

With love, W.