'If you can imagine the business as a pie...'

The Office is the best TV series ever - we all know that. Amongst much good work, it pays homage to one of my favourite lexical categories - business speak. Like most annoying human habits, business speak seems borne of insecurity; in this case, suppressed frustration and feelings of inadequacy. Business speak is confusing and unnecessary. It masquerades as something which actively clarifies an idea, when in fact it does the very opposite. It is the antithesis of brevity, concision and clarity. At its very worst, it's used to artificially elevate the user above others and needlessly belittle those who, quite understandably, find it almost undecipherable. Make no mistake; those using it are the ones to be mocked, not those of us who manage just as well with normal English in the office as we do out of it. But now to the point of this post - classic examples...

• Synergy - e.g. 'I was tasked to create synergy within the company'. Were you? You're an arse.
• .............-wise - e.g. 'I was dressed too casually so the boss asked me how I was fixed suit-wise.'
• Eyeballing - e.g. 'Have you had that eyeballed?' 'Who's doing eyeballing today?' 'Let me eyeball that first.' Christ almighty, what's wrong with checking it?
• Functionality - e.g. 'My workstation has no functionality.' No, there's a problem with your computer.
• Workstation - e.g. see above. I'd let them have it if they were referring to the desk they sit at but they're not, they're using it as a substitute for the word 'computer'.
• Visibility - e.g. 'I've got no visibility on that.' You mean you can't see it, or you can't access it.
• Close of play - e.g. 'I'll have that over to you by close of play today.' If you're in a grotesquely boring office, where people say that sort of thing out loud, without a hint of irony, you won't be able to adequately express how unsuitable using 'play' as a metaphor for 'work' really is.
• Blue sky thinking - e.g. 'I need some blue sky thinking on how to express my desire to have some original ideas on a given subject.'
• Communicate - e.g. 'If I want you to go ahead, I'll communicate that to you.' What you'll do, is 'tell' me.
• Pre-plan - e.g. 'Can we pre-plan for that?' No, you can't. You can plan for it, or not.
• Action. (v) - e.g. 'I'm going to action that.' 'I'm actioning that as we speak.' ' Has that been actioned?' There are so many wonderfully descriptive verbs in the English language that using 'action' for all of them is more than a shame.
• Let's run it up the flag pole and see who salutes - Award for the most outlandish business related phrase I've ever heard. Breathtaking.
• Strategic incompetence - A phrase used to describe the act of doing something deliberately badly in order to avoid doing it again in the future, e.g. making someone an unsatisfactory cup of tea in order to avoid future tea-making duties. This is the only phrase I've ever heard that I like, mainly because it was created in jest.

NEWS JUST IN

HOLD THE PHONE: Archbishop of Canterbury says God won't sort climate change out for us. He's really gone out on a limb with this one - egg all over his face if God turns up!

Assuming he won't (like the best Dads he has a history of absenteeism) we've all got to face the fact that we've just lost plan A on this issue; it's back to the bloody drawing board for tackling climate change... God - he's such an enigma! Just when we were all relying on him to sort this one out. If I'd told the Christians that God wasn't going to help with this, or for that matter, anything else, they'd have questioned it. There's just no reasoning with some people, there really isn't.

Solitude with trimmings

I just realised that I haven't had a single conversation today; I'm a fresh, exciting new face in the office and my new colleagues just cannot get enough - Mission Ingratiate is complete.

I think today's unusual circumstance subconsciously influenced my choice of listening this evening. It wasn't a full-fat Morrissey evening interrupted only by unexplainable and uncontrollable outbursts of sobbing, but Jeff got a full airing.

Lover, You Should Have Come Over

Hubble Ultra Deep Field

When the Hubble telescope captured the matter in the above image, it was in fact looking back approximately 13 billion years. Clicking on the photo will take you to a high resolution version that conveys at least some of the beauty of the 10,000 galaxies in the photograph. I hadn't seen this until very recently and it upsets me to think I might never have come across it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do every time I look at it.

More details can be found on the Wikipedia page for Hubble Ultra Deep Field.

Skip ITV

Inside the Guardian’s Media section on March 2, Steve Hewlett wrote much more knowledgably on ITV’s current woes than I ever could.

In short (because you’re likely to be of the generation that can barely concentrate long enough to read a house number i.e. mine) the recession does not bode well for old ITV as nobody has any money to advertise with them. Restructuring the main terrestrial channels that are not funded by license fee money is now important, as their revenues look set to shrink in coming years.

One thing about commerce pre-recession is that, unluckily for their employees, many businesses were only staying afloat because lenders could afford not to call in their debts. Failing businesses with no tangible identity or discernable strategies to create or increase business chugged along while they still could. How bereft do you feel as a consumer now that Woolworths and Zavvi have disappeared? ‘Not very’ I imagine. In the case of these businesses, you can’t help but feel that the recession didn’t cause their deaths but merely hasten them. While feeling sympathy for the unfortunate people who lost their jobs as a result, it should also be recognised that the recession is having this ‘straightening’ effect on business as it separates the wheat from the chaff. Coasting along on credit while ignoring the failings of your business is no longer an option.

This ‘survival of the fittest’ now seems to be applicable to ITV. Undoubtedly the channel is suffering due to a factor beyond their control, but it also seems about time ITV looked at the actual content they offer and see that it is also part of their problem. I read their schedule with more rampant depression than a dyslexic engineering undergraduate going through a reading list for a module on Chomskyan linguistics received in error. It is a veritable goldmine for the collector of poorly executed copies of BBC programmes. It is heaven for those yearning for embarrassing gaffes that interrupt sporting events at their climax and a primordial soup from whence all stuttering, wooden, sports presenters originated. Their few popular programmes are those that satisfy the lust of the morbidly curious voyeur, someone who thrives on others’ humiliation, is immersed in society’s love of judgment and celebrity, and lacks the imagination to do anything other than sit in front of a TV screen while other people make fools of themselves. When was the last time you watched anything on ITV and was it actually any good?

The BBC do great nature programmes and have commissioned some of the best comedies. Channel 4 import some good US TV and make entertaining documentaries. By comparison, ITV stands for nothing apart from lowest common denominator trash, and it would be neither surprising nor distressing if it ended up in the same mass grave as Woolworths, Zavvi and the rest, which it may do unless those at head office give some serious thought to improving the product they are currently offering the consumer.

Miraculous Mash-up

Take two average pop songs, put them together and what do you have? In most cases, something that manages to be even more woeful than the original ingredients.

However, here we have something miraculous - a mash-up that works! Take quirky, delicious pop morsel Katy Perry, combine with a re-hash of a 2000 vintage, cheddar-laden dance anthem and you have Hot 'n' Cold vs Toca's Miracle 2008. The opening few lines ("You... change your mind... like a girl... changes clothes.") punctuated by the first few twanging notes of Toca's Miracle bring out my game face, a strangely tortured gurning usually reserved for Timbaland bangers and tunes of a similar ilk. For those of you not impressed by Insomnia-esque build-ups, skip to the 3 minute mark to get straight to the moment in question.

'Guilty pleasures' is becoming a recurring theme... 

Very superstitious.

One of my guiltiest pleasures is frequently watching Deal or No Deal during my days of exile from paid employment. Yesterday was interesting as it featured a particular type of contestant that comes along every now and then, much to my incredulity and amusement.

The notion, dear reader, that you may be unaware of the basic premise of Deal or No Deal is but a utopian ideal, so I shan't waste space boring you with the way the game works but you can familiarise yourself with the format on the Wikipedia entry if you've had successful therapy to forget.

Back to yesterday's game and we were faced with a rather rotund woman, who appeared huggable in that comforting way your grandma is or was. A baker, Huggable Kath seemed nice enough and I was willing to set aside my perverse lust for failure (which might do as a subject for psychological analysis in its own right) in what I considered a kind gesture of goodwill. Those welcoming, warm metaphorical arms of mine were soon to be rapidly retired.

As Noel, Cuddly Kath and the gang steadily made progress through the opening couple of rounds, something akin to light drizzle dripping off guttering as a viewing spectacle, all seemed relatively dandy. Sure, she'd taken out more of the reds than the blues prompting Noel to begin dipping into the jargon collection for some of the classic DOND terms and phrases ("YOU JUST LOVE YOUR REDS" in irked tone of voice) but nothing too serious; the Banker was offering relatively good money and by the third offer was up to £13,500.

It was at this point that Fat Kath began to complain of feeling 'unsettled' by the surprise of being chosen as the day's contestant. Noel, earning his crust, began his serious and earnest probing as to exactly what she meant by 'unsettled'. This is a man who, almost without fail, describes each day's game as 'extraordinary' 'exceptional' or, more realistically, 'different' (it is a different contestant each day, after all) and he thrives on players who have 'methods' , ‘attitudes' , 'intuitions' or 'approaches' in relation to the process of opening 22 boxes that have been randomly assigned a monetary value.

All-of-a-fluster Kath did not disappoint him, revealing that she now 'felt out of balance'. "Out of balance... what do you mean by that Kath? Spiritually?" asks Noel. Yes, spiritually, agrees Magic Kath, who then promptly reveals her belief in angels which is enough for Noel to solemnly declare "You are an intensely spiritual person Kath, aren't you." (it should be noted that there's not even a hint of a questioning intonation to this statement.) You might be inclined to ask how Noel deduced such a thing, having only met this woman 20-30 minutes ago whilst recording a TV gameshow. But he just can. It’s amazing watching him work.

After this brief exchange, my hackles are up - I feel like a fisherman who's been sitting languidly by the riverbed, throwing cursory glances at the water, only to suddenly hear the distinct taughtening of the line as my one hope comes to fruition. I'm more interested now.

A commercial break and we come back to find Noel's calmed Confused Kath down a little. She continues to the next offer, still with three of the biggest amounts, £35,000, £100,000 and £250,000 yet to be revealed. The banker offers £18,000.

Contestants plead with Disconcerted Kath to 'believe in herself', as does her daughter. For those of you not in the know, an impassioned speech begging the contestant to ‘believe in themselves’ is the semantic equivalent of 'please gamble' in Deal or No Deal. Big Kath is evidently a proud woman and, slightly indignantly, assures everyone in the room that she does believe in herself. In fact, she believes in herself to the extent that she will heed her ‘spiritual vibes’ despite them contradicting general feeling in the studio. Her ‘spiritual side’ is telling her it's not to be her day. She spends several moments deliberating, and re-iterating that she feels it’s not to be her day; a ‘spiritual intuition’ she's harboured since the offer of £13,500. "Are you in direct contact with them?" Noel half mumbles. "No," says Wise Kath, "I leave that to my daughter," (cut to shot of 30-something daughter in the audience nodding sagely) "but I trust what I'm feeling spiritually." Quite whom Noel's 'them' refers to is never made explicit; the angels? The spirits?… the psychiatric nurses? It’s funny how one set of people hearing voices in their heads have schizophrenia and another set of people hearing voices in their heads are ‘intensely spiritual’. Resigned Kath deals at £18,000, 'knowing' that it's all going to go pear-shaped.

The rest of the game must now be played out to see whether the decision to deal was one that won the contestant, Our Kath, the most amount of money possible. She goes on to eliminate more of the lower amounts of money and the next offer from the banker would have been £56,000. It's Noel to the rescue of Kicking-herself Kath's integrity at this point; "Well your feelings were right - it's not to be your day – not because there was no money in your game but because you were to deal too early." Flabbergasted Kath: "I must have got my wires crossed." That's one thing about those bloody spirits – they still insist on using those archaic, early 20th century telephone switchboards to communicate mentally with clairvoyants like Mystic Kath.

They open the next three boxes so that Ridiculous Kath is left with two boxes, one contains £100 and the other contains £250,000. The banker would have offered £81,000. Embarrassed Kath: "the signals and everything just got so foggy". Isn't it ghosts that are supposed to be a bit foggy? Have they been piggybacking on a conversation that was meant to involve strictly Cauliflower-cortex Kath and the spirits only? It looks like it because, according to Psychic Kath, things have got foggy, and that can only mean one thing; ghosts are getting in the way of her conversation with the spirits. Those bloody ghosts… that bloody conversation with the spirits.

For me of course, this show is already a victory for reason; a contestant confidently spouting complete twaddle, twaddle that not only goes unchecked but is actively encouraged by our indulgent host, has already proven she could have had £63,000 more than she accepted simply by being more rational. But now my jaw drops; Relentless Kath has just smugly asserted that there’s a blue in her box (the £100) as though her correctly guessing a 50/50 chance will suddenly elevate her back to the loftiness of ‘spiritual’ superior. In a matter of moments, Silly Kath and everyone else in the studio would happily forget that she couldn’t really have got it more wrong in the entirety of the programme up to this point, if it turns out she’s got the £100 in her box. If she knew, why didn’t she tell us at the start? A 1 in 22 guess that turns out to be correct is at least more impressive than an accurate 1 in 2 guess. I can’t help but yearn for there to be £250,000 in the box. If there’s not, Hokum Kath will nod wisely and the audience will gasp in rapt admiration; “wow, she was right all along, she did only have £100. It really wasn’t to be her day”. Noel opens her box… there’s £250,000 inside.