A play

Act 1 Scene 1

We see a ginger man stood in front of an old boiler. He is talking to an old woman and a plumber.

GINGER MAN: The boiler isn't working.
POLISH LANDLADY: Are you sure it is broken? You always complain about boiler not working. It must not be broken fully.
PLUMBER #1: Yeah, it's broken. It's so old and expensive to repair you should get a new one.
POLISH LANDLADY: OH NO! (almost weeping with anguish) I had pay £400 eight months ago for fix this boiler! Are you sure it is really need new one?
PLUMBER #1: Yeah, I can fix it for £700 or you can have a new one with a five year warranty for £1650.
POLISH LANDLADY: (wails with pain) Oh William! You can understand problem; this is great shock for system. I cannot afford! I need second opinion, you must understand?!
GINGER MAN: Ok, since we have some hot water and heating we can wait but it'll break soon so hurry.

Exit PLUMBER #1

POLISH LANDLADY: (walks backwards stage left in style of Uriah Heep from David Copperfield) I am very sorry for trouble. I will fix, I will fix.

Fade to black

Act 1 Scene 2

Music plays: Theme from Magic Roundabout
Spotlight on jester in middle of stage, dancing for 30 seconds with a placard that has written on it:
RENT PAID DURING TENANCY: c. £25,000 COST OF BOILER: £1650

Act 2 Scene 1

We see GINGER MAN in front of an old boiler. He is talking to POLISH LANDLADY and two different plumbers.

Lights up to half brightness.

PLUMBER #2: You have been play football?
GINGER MAN: Yeah.
PLUMBER #2: No problem, no problem. You need shower. I will fix boiler, no problem.
PLUMBER #3: 15 minutes.
GINGER MAN: Ok.
POLISH LANDLADY: (looking stressed) So sorry, thanks for patience. This is life.

Fade to black.

Act 2 Scene 2

Lights up to very low level. PLUMBER #3 holds torch towards boiler for PLUMBER #2.

POLISH LANDLADY: (hopping up and down with anxiety) I am very sorry for this. It takes as long as takes and I know you need shower. But this boiler must fix.

Exit POLISH LANDLADY

PLUMBER #3: (under breath to GINGER MAN) This is bullshit.
GINGER MAN: What d’you mean?
PLUMBER #3: (pauses for effect) Old landlady and old boiler. (laughs)

Enter POLISH LANDLADY

POLISH LANDLADY: (speaks in Polish to PLUMBER #2 and PLUMBER #3 then turns to GINGER MAN) They say 15 minutes.
GINGER MAN: Ok.

Exit POLISH LANDLADY

PLUMBER #2: We need new part for boiler. I will make fix for now but we need come back to fit new one.
GINGER MAN: Ok.
PLUMBER #3: (as exiting stage left) He is best plumber in world to get this to go. It is bullshit. Need new boiler.

Exit PLUMBER #3

Enter PLUMBER #3 and POLISH LANDLADY. GINGER MAN yawns.

POLISH LANDLADY: I am so sorry for lateness but what can we do? This is life!
PLUMBER #2: Nearly finish. I am sorry it is 1am! My wife will think I have affair!

PLUMBER #2 takes photograph of boiler to get the serial number for ordering parts.

PLUMBER #3: (under breath to GINGER MAN) It is for send to British Museum!

Fade to black.

Act 3 Scene 1

We see GINGER MAN in front of an old boiler. He is talking to POLISH LANDLADY and PLUMBER #2 and PLUMBER #3.

PLUMBER #2: Thank you for patience other night. Now we fix!
GINGER MAN: Ok cheers. I have to go out now so good luck!

Exit GINGER MAN

POLISH LANDLADY hops around as GINGER MAN exits and PLUMBER #2 starts working on the old boiler.

Fade to black.

Act 3 Scene 2

GINGER MAN is centre stage talking on his mobile phone in front of an old boiler.

GINGER MAN: Yeah, we don’t have any hot water or central heating now.

We hear POLISH LANDLADY over the speaker system in reply.

POLISH LANDLADY: (with desperation) Oh no! I can’t believe saga! I am so sorry for this – unavoidable. Like life. You sure it is broken?
GINGER MAN: Yeah.
POLISH LANDLADY: I call plumbers immediately.

Act 3 Scene 3

We see GINGER MAN in front of an old boiler. He is talking to an old man dressed in a tweed suit.

POLISH LANDLADY’S HUSBAND IN A TWEED SUIT: Listen here, old boy, Polish Landlady is in a real tizzy over this whole dreadful business. Are you sure the boiler is broken?
GINGER MAN: Yeah, watch.

GINGER MAN demonstrates boiler malfunction to POLISH LANDLADY’S HUSBAND IN A TWEED SUIT.

POLISH LANDLADY’S HUSBAND IN A TWEED SUIT: Ah drat. Truly shocking business this whole thing. One of those things though isn’t it. Polish Landlady does love for things to run smoothly. This whole business has been terrible for her. Not cold are you? £1650 is such an awful lot. Such is life.

Act 3 Scene 4

Music plays: Theme from Magic Roundabout.
Spotlight on jester in middle of stage, dancing for 30 seconds with a placard that has written on it:
RENT PAID DURING TENANCY: c. £25,000 COST OF BOILER: £1650

Act 4 Scene 1

We see GINGER MAN at a doorway. He is talking to POLISH LANDLADY’S HUSBAND IN A TWEED SUIT who is on the other side of the threshold.

POLISH LANDLADY’S HUSBAND IN A TWEED SUIT: Listen here old boy, we have spoken to PLUMBER #1. He is coming to do some running repairs today and will replace the boiler in a few days.
GINGER MAN: Ok.

Lights fade to black.

FIN

Hitchens: 'If you can hold it down on the smokes and the cocktails you might be well advised to do so'

I've always enjoyed listening to Christopher Hitchens argue with people, whether it be an arrogant presenter on Fox News, some deluded Creationist or a ranting George Galloway. Whether you agree with him or not, he is obviously an extremely intelligent, eloquent, learned chap and in this recent interview he talks about his cancer diagnosis with admirable dignity. He is an interesting and amusing fellow and I wish him all the best.

Fernandez & Wells

Never did your great grandparents, as they stoically endured years of rationing, envisage a day when human beings would voluntarily hand over £5.50 for a cheese and ham sandwich.

This cheese and ham sandwich though, as that gastronomic siren would sensuously purr, is not just any cheese and ham sandwich; it’s a Fernandez & Wells lomo and manchego bocadillo and the chances are that the pig inside that crusty baguette had a much better time of it than those relatives of yours back in the ‘40s.

Fernandez & Wells is the perfect haunt for a middle class foodie. The owners are into farmers’ markets and ‘slow food’, the insides of their premises are rustic in a sort of expensive, chic way, the coffees are works of art, and the staff are suitably snooty.

They use ingredients, like those in aforementioned sarni (sorry, bocadillo), that are rich and delicious; the meats are boudoir purple, the cheeses are old and nearly cantankerous and the accompanying aliolis, picadillis and garlic butters add an extra dimension of lavishness to lunchtime offerings.

There are cakes and biscuits dressing the wooden counter for afters, the pick of which is a plum cake so enjoyable the pope declared it immoral. A sugary crust dissolves in the mouth as moist, vanillary, almondy sponge gives up soggy, sweet fruit that retains enough of its texture to make the whole experience one which could render future puddings pointless.

In the evening the Lexington Street shop goes from café to candlelit bar, becoming a hellhole for vegans by serving plates of grilled meats, cheese and bottles of unusual, mostly French, Spanish, Italian or Portuguese, wine.

Though the service may be rather Sartrean and the sandwiches under-filled considering their exorbitant prices, the quality of the ingredients and the attitude and approach to food on offer make Fernandez & Wells a gourmet alternative to Pret-a-Manger et al, even if past generations are rolling in their graves as you hand over the handfuls of cash required to escape a shoplifting conviction.

World Cup 2010: A magnificent seven

And so to the best of the tournament. The selection below is comprised of players who were outstanding for their teams and helped them to go further in the competition than they would have otherwise.

Keisuke Honda (Japan)

Honda is one of very few players who could expect a move to a big club because of his performance at the World Cup. He, almost single-handedly, made Japan an attacking and creative threat during the tournament and rarely gave the ball away. His balance, first touch, technique and determination made him great to watch, and he even scored a long-range free kick with the seemingly untameable Jabulani. Better was still to come in that match against Denmark, with Honda tricking his way past the last defender, committing the goalkeeper and selflessly squaring the ball to a teammate who passed into an open goal for Japan’s third. It was a shame for him and the tournament that Japan couldn't beat the less entertaining Paraguay on penalties.

Bastian Schweinsteiger (Germany)

Schweinsteiger played in a slightly more defensive role for Germany than in previous tournaments and this allowed a more combative side of his game to shine. He was always quick to the tackle and put in a commanding performance to help the Germans thrash Argentina in the quarter-finals. Despite the tag of ‘midfield enforcer’, Schweinsteiger finished as the player with the most assists for the tournament, the best of which was his run for Germany’s third against Argentina where he beat three men to play in Friedrich. Thomas Muller may have won the golden boot but he did so by profiting from a system that had Schweinsteiger as its linchpin.

Wesley Sneijder (Holland)

Sneijder followed a great season at Inter Milan with a terrific tournament for the Dutch. He was Holland’s best attacking player and his creative passing was even more effective when Robben finally returned to the line-up. Capped a great team performance by scoring the winner against Brazil when Holland came from 1-0 down. He must feel a heightened sense of frustration after the final, knowing he could have won the golden boot if Holland hadn’t gone so negative against Spain.

Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

The poor lad had a shocking time of it at Man Utd but he seemed to forget all about that a while ago and it’s perhaps time we tried to as well. Joint top scorer for the tournament, Forlan was integral to Uruguay’s unexpected success and was named the Golden Ball winner at the end of the competition. His confidence and technique made him the best striker of the ball from distance and it was cruel to see his last shot of the World Cup clip the German crossbar in the last minute of Uruguay’s 3-2 loss. Looked sharp and threatening whenever he played.

Xavi Hernandez (Spain)

There is clearly a case to be made for including Villa or Iniesta instead of Xavi in this list but that would, for one thing, make this truly awful Daily Mail headline in 2009 less relevant - it’s particularly delightful given everyone else pictured with Xavi flopped at this World Cup. Moronic journalism aside, Xavi is the heartbeat of a Spanish side that conquered the world this summer by sticking to the slick passing and possession game that has brought them success for the last few years. Those at Opta reckon he touched the ball every 46 seconds in Spain’s World Cup matches and his close control, vision and accurate passing were crucial to Spain’s success.

Alexis Sanchez (Chile)

Sanchez was one of few exciting players in the early group stages, making some dazzling runs with his pace and quick, tricky dribbling. Like Honda for Japan, he was clearly his team’s standout player and rumours suggest the likes of Real Madrid and Man Utd are interested in signing him from Udinese. These rumours are quite probably rubbish but it illustrates the high regard in which he is now held. At 21 he is a very promising talent.

Fabio Coentrao (Portugal)

Even in an overly conservative Portugal team, Coentrao managed to shine with some rampaging runs down Portugal’s left side. His speed was matched by a work ethic that saw him up and down the left wing for most of Portugal’s matches. His defensive positioning and tackling was also impressive considering he is a predominantly attacking left back and used to be a winger. If Queiroz had been prepared to commit more Portugese players to the opposing team’s box, more of Coentrao’s crosses might have ended up in back of the net.

D-Bridge: Love Hotel/Dim Light

Music producer and all-round good egg D-Bridge released the single Love Hotel/Dim Light on Exit Records recently. Artwork is interesting even if you don't like the track...

World Cup 2010: Seven under par

Over and done with for another four years then; these seven flops will be reasonably pleased.

Wayne Rooney (England)

Very few will have had him down as a bottler before the tournament started but this, like everything else concerning England, is now up for revision. Rooney cut a frustrated and occasionally apathetic figure on the pitch, leading to rumours about both his fitness and happiness during the tournament. Irrespective of the alleged disillusionment in the England camp and the reasons for the lacklustre team performances, Rooney’s touch and passing were poor throughout and he displayed little of the determination that makes him such an intimidating prospect in the Premier League.

Fernando Torres (Spain)

Torres must be starting to wonder if he’ll ever be fully fit again after another important competition passed him by due to injury. He, like many other Premiership players this summer, did not look fit from the beginning and he remained rusty throughout, labouring with and without the ball. After coming on as a substitute in the final, his last minute groin injury meant that, while Spain saw out the remainder of extra time, he was lay prone on the grass, covering his face with his hands. Football and the future must have seemed pretty bleak as he received treatment for yet another injury while his compatriots celebrated victory at the final whistle.

Steven Pienaar (South Africa)

Heralded by every TV commentator as South Africa’s hero, it became impossible for Pienaar to touch the ball without a pundit reminding us of ‘what a season he had at Everton’. Unfortunately, while they waxed lyrical about the tackles he made away at Bolton last season, Pienaar was being outpaced as he made futile attempts at beating his marker. Pienaar looked slow and ineffective in all South Africa’s World Cup matches and was overshadowed by more dynamic team-mates like Siphiwe Tshabalala. He may well have had a decent season with Everton last year but, without Cahill or Arteta alongside him, he looked as average as his club side.

Nicklas Bendtner (Denmark)

After Denmark quietly bowed out at the group stage, the self-proclaimed greatest striker on the planet revealed he was carrying an injury at the World Cup. Arsenal will, in a perverse way, be hoping Bendtner isn’t just making excuses, as he was totally mediocre for the Danish. It would hardly have taken a virtuoso performance to look good playing up front with a decrepit John Dahl Tomasson but Bendtner often looked the least threatening out of the two and contributed little more than several miscued shots and some uninspiring back-passes. His optimistic assessments of his own ability mean he’s subject to added scrutiny, which, particularly on this occasion, is unfortunate.

Vincenzo Iaquinta (Italy)

Italy looked conservative and toothless in attack throughout their group games and it was baffling that Iaquinta played so much despite Lippi having Quagliarella in the squad. Iaquinta was slow, his first touch was consistently terrible, and he forced Italy to play a fruitless long ball style on numerous occasions. The sort of pace, craft and technical ability Quagliarella had to offer became evident during the second half of Italy’s match against Slovakia, when he played in his only game of the tournament. Iaquinta will be too old to play in Brazil 2014 and he was too inept to have played any major role in World Cup 2010.

Humberto Suazo (Chile)

There was always likely to be a certain level of curiosity, if not firm expectation, about a player who has been named The World’s Top Goal Scorer in the past, even if his 52 goals from 54 games in 2006 were scored in the Chilean league. Ultimately, Suazo’s tournament was compromised by a hamstring problem but in two appearances he committed unnecessary fouls and fluffed several good chances. Alexis Sanchez was the real spearhead of a fast, attacking Chilean side and Suazo looked more like hindrance than help whenever he got involved.

France

Even without Zidane, the French team was still good enough on paper to compete at a World Cup. Having players like Evra, Malouda, Anelka, Gallas, Sagna, Abidal, Ribery, Cisse and Henry should have ensured much better performances than France gave in Group A. No-one expected much from the French side but they still underachieved. Domenech should have been sacked years ago, it’s just a shame for the French people that members of their football federation were the only ones who didn’t see it.

You're not giving me the horn

On the eve of the opening match, the only phenomenon likely to spoil the 19th FIFA World Cup, other than injury to the best players, is the vuvuzela.

The vuvuzela, a plastic trumpet about a metre in length that emits a flat, loud, monotone blare, has been adopted by South African football fans as a symbol of their enthusiasm but was almost banned from this year’s World Cup after complaints from European players and coaches, and most broadcasters.

The decision not to ban these ‘instruments’ will prove detrimental to the world’s enjoyment of the tournament and the reasons behind allowing them are driven by political correctness and a confusion over the real issue with the vuvuzela.

When Sepp Blatter admonished those advocating a ban by saying, ‘we should not try to Europeanise an African World Cup.’, he showed that he had completely missed the point. A ban on the vuvuzela is not a ban on South African football culture, it is merely removing one particular element of it that the majority of people seem to find, at the very least, rather irritating. It is not racist or an attempt to impose an alternative culture on a group of people to ban the use of one particular instrument. Blatter adds that African and South African football ‘is all about excitement, dancing, shouting and enjoyment’, and nobody is trying to stop that; conflating the drone of thousands of vevuzelas with ‘excitement, dancing, shouting and enjoyment’ is absurd.

In any case, there is enough evidence to suggest that the vuvuzela is far from an ancient African artifact and actually a cunning invention by someone with entrepreneurial spirit and a faith in mob culture. There will certainly be a few people somewhere that like the vuvuzela, knowing that they’ve become a whole lot richer courtesy of those who decided it was better to pay for an oversized horn than make noise with their own (free) voices.

There is a need to recognise that there are some noises that we, as human beings, find deeply unpleasant. If, through some strange arrangement, the FA supplied every England fan with a chalkboard and asked them to scratch them incessantly for 90 minutes, people from other countries could, legitimately, demand that they refrain. The same would be true if German fans were all given a copy of their Eurovision entry for 2010 and asked to play it on their own personal ghetto blasters inside the ground for a full 90 minutes.

This last scenario would, in fact, be more musical than the noise the vuvuzela makes. It is bad enough to have been compared to the tortured wail of a dying elephant, so when writers begin articles with sentences like, ‘Music will play a big part [in the world cup], and in particular, a trumpet called the vuvuzela’ they are, in fact, making paradoxical statements. There is nothing to recommend one, flat droning note as ‘music’, just in the same way you wouldn’t liken the noise of a washing machine to a Brahms violin sonata.

For all the accurate descriptions of the awful noise this terrible invention makes, it would not be so unbearable, and there would not be such desire to ban it, if it didn’t go on constantly. It's not the noise they make per se, but that fact that it never stops. Apologists for the vuvuzela talk about the ‘electrifying atmosphere’ it creates, when in fact it does nothing but drown out all other noise and detract from the match. People blowing the vuvuzelas do so all the time, with no reference to actual events in the game. It creates the impression that most of those in the stadium have very little interest in the football itself. If fans blew them in reaction to on-field events rather than relentlessly, the noise wouldn’t be so intolerable and might genuinely add to the atmosphere, as there would be some contrast in its volume over the course of 90 minutes. If someone wants to argue that the idea of fans reacting to on-field events is inherently European, then we should also admit the argument that blowing a trumpet constantly for 90 minutes, with no regard for the football, is inherently moronic. Thousands of vuvuzelas blown constantly do nothing for the atmosphere but create expressionless and soulless noise that detracts from more rousing crowd noise, including the euphoria of goal celebrations and the drama of controversial decisions.

Ultimately, the vuvuzela will prove to be an irritant and possibly the lasting legacy of the 2010 World Cup. It’s a pity for those interested in watching the tournament over the next six weeks but the real losers will be the people of Africa because the rest of the world will want their football played elsewhere from now on.