A play

Act 1 Scene 1

We see a ginger man stood in front of an old boiler. He is talking to an old woman and a plumber.

GINGER MAN: The boiler isn't working.
POLISH LANDLADY: Are you sure it is broken? You always complain about boiler not working. It must not be broken fully.
PLUMBER #1: Yeah, it's broken. It's so old and expensive to repair you should get a new one.
POLISH LANDLADY: OH NO! (almost weeping with anguish) I had pay £400 eight months ago for fix this boiler! Are you sure it is really need new one?
PLUMBER #1: Yeah, I can fix it for £700 or you can have a new one with a five year warranty for £1650.
POLISH LANDLADY: (wails with pain) Oh William! You can understand problem; this is great shock for system. I cannot afford! I need second opinion, you must understand?!
GINGER MAN: Ok, since we have some hot water and heating we can wait but it'll break soon so hurry.

Exit PLUMBER #1

POLISH LANDLADY: (walks backwards stage left in style of Uriah Heep from David Copperfield) I am very sorry for trouble. I will fix, I will fix.

Fade to black

Act 1 Scene 2

Music plays: Theme from Magic Roundabout
Spotlight on jester in middle of stage, dancing for 30 seconds with a placard that has written on it:
RENT PAID DURING TENANCY: c. £25,000 COST OF BOILER: £1650

Act 2 Scene 1

We see GINGER MAN in front of an old boiler. He is talking to POLISH LANDLADY and two different plumbers.

Lights up to half brightness.

PLUMBER #2: You have been play football?
GINGER MAN: Yeah.
PLUMBER #2: No problem, no problem. You need shower. I will fix boiler, no problem.
PLUMBER #3: 15 minutes.
GINGER MAN: Ok.
POLISH LANDLADY: (looking stressed) So sorry, thanks for patience. This is life.

Fade to black.

Act 2 Scene 2

Lights up to very low level. PLUMBER #3 holds torch towards boiler for PLUMBER #2.

POLISH LANDLADY: (hopping up and down with anxiety) I am very sorry for this. It takes as long as takes and I know you need shower. But this boiler must fix.

Exit POLISH LANDLADY

PLUMBER #3: (under breath to GINGER MAN) This is bullshit.
GINGER MAN: What d’you mean?
PLUMBER #3: (pauses for effect) Old landlady and old boiler. (laughs)

Enter POLISH LANDLADY

POLISH LANDLADY: (speaks in Polish to PLUMBER #2 and PLUMBER #3 then turns to GINGER MAN) They say 15 minutes.
GINGER MAN: Ok.

Exit POLISH LANDLADY

PLUMBER #2: We need new part for boiler. I will make fix for now but we need come back to fit new one.
GINGER MAN: Ok.
PLUMBER #3: (as exiting stage left) He is best plumber in world to get this to go. It is bullshit. Need new boiler.

Exit PLUMBER #3

Enter PLUMBER #3 and POLISH LANDLADY. GINGER MAN yawns.

POLISH LANDLADY: I am so sorry for lateness but what can we do? This is life!
PLUMBER #2: Nearly finish. I am sorry it is 1am! My wife will think I have affair!

PLUMBER #2 takes photograph of boiler to get the serial number for ordering parts.

PLUMBER #3: (under breath to GINGER MAN) It is for send to British Museum!

Fade to black.

Act 3 Scene 1

We see GINGER MAN in front of an old boiler. He is talking to POLISH LANDLADY and PLUMBER #2 and PLUMBER #3.

PLUMBER #2: Thank you for patience other night. Now we fix!
GINGER MAN: Ok cheers. I have to go out now so good luck!

Exit GINGER MAN

POLISH LANDLADY hops around as GINGER MAN exits and PLUMBER #2 starts working on the old boiler.

Fade to black.

Act 3 Scene 2

GINGER MAN is centre stage talking on his mobile phone in front of an old boiler.

GINGER MAN: Yeah, we don’t have any hot water or central heating now.

We hear POLISH LANDLADY over the speaker system in reply.

POLISH LANDLADY: (with desperation) Oh no! I can’t believe saga! I am so sorry for this – unavoidable. Like life. You sure it is broken?
GINGER MAN: Yeah.
POLISH LANDLADY: I call plumbers immediately.

Act 3 Scene 3

We see GINGER MAN in front of an old boiler. He is talking to an old man dressed in a tweed suit.

POLISH LANDLADY’S HUSBAND IN A TWEED SUIT: Listen here, old boy, Polish Landlady is in a real tizzy over this whole dreadful business. Are you sure the boiler is broken?
GINGER MAN: Yeah, watch.

GINGER MAN demonstrates boiler malfunction to POLISH LANDLADY’S HUSBAND IN A TWEED SUIT.

POLISH LANDLADY’S HUSBAND IN A TWEED SUIT: Ah drat. Truly shocking business this whole thing. One of those things though isn’t it. Polish Landlady does love for things to run smoothly. This whole business has been terrible for her. Not cold are you? £1650 is such an awful lot. Such is life.

Act 3 Scene 4

Music plays: Theme from Magic Roundabout.
Spotlight on jester in middle of stage, dancing for 30 seconds with a placard that has written on it:
RENT PAID DURING TENANCY: c. £25,000 COST OF BOILER: £1650

Act 4 Scene 1

We see GINGER MAN at a doorway. He is talking to POLISH LANDLADY’S HUSBAND IN A TWEED SUIT who is on the other side of the threshold.

POLISH LANDLADY’S HUSBAND IN A TWEED SUIT: Listen here old boy, we have spoken to PLUMBER #1. He is coming to do some running repairs today and will replace the boiler in a few days.
GINGER MAN: Ok.

Lights fade to black.

FIN